POC

So the Tiny girl is back...

Taking a break from blogging wasn't as "hard" as I'd expected it to be, I thought back then that I was growing addicted but in fact it was just another excuse to waste time.
Finished exams..phewww, what a long journey that was. It was tiring, boring, frustrating and far from rewarding. In short, they were 5 months of an ever rising curve of such painful experiences as adding weight and feeling incompetent. Days and nights in monotonously repeated cycles. The peak was the end of the written exams. Fact: the big bulk is over. Reality:I can't feel the release just yet. Holding it in for another month until the endless oral and clinical exams are over, and by then I'd have become "comfortably numb".
I celebrate my freedom nonetheless.

I deserve a break, but how can that be with bro getting married in a couple of weeks' time???!
Work work work...chores, shopping, cleaning, dieting, exercising, driving, grooming....etc.
But it was well worth it, turned out to be the best night of my life to date :)

So now with that circus all over, I collapse..literally. Physically and mentaly..I don't feel like moving a muscle, nor working a single brain cell. Currently in the process of picking myself up and re-activating those atrophied social skills. It's a tough job!!!
I am exhausted. And I am not the same person. Something is happening inside of me, something that involves re-evaluating my current life, resenting most of it and embracing little. I ponder for hours on end, and I catch myself speaking my mind to one of my friends. It's been said that teenage is the most painful part of one's life, but I beg to differ. I admit to enjoying the pain, as vague as the outcome seems at the moment. It's a slow process, but I feel something is giving way. Sooner or later.



Speaking of teenage: Take That are back!!!!!!!!!!

One Thing Before The "Big Pause"...

Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to hang.
I can't bear to see another 'victory' for the US.
I feel terrible at the western pleased tone.
I can't take Bush's crap "that's why we'll fight in Iraq, and that's why we'll win in Iraq." Win?! What war? Against who?! Or rather for who?!

Now let's take a look at America's internal 'freedom and respect for humans', shall we?
You all have seen the movie "Back to The Future" and you all know the baby-faced darling Michael J Fox. He has Parkinson's disease, like the late Yasser Arafat and Mohammed Ali. It's a neurological disease due to substance imbalance in the brain. The patient is rigid like a board, he can't move his limbs, he walks with short steps like a woman in a kimono, he has an expressionless 'mask' face, and his lips and hand muscles shake in tremors when he's not making a voluntary action. So, back to MJF, who supports stem-cell reasearch to find a cure for this disease and does tv adds for Democrat candidates in the current Senate race. Here's an ad for a Missouri candidate. Over-medication does this dyskinesia (impairment of voluntary movements). In an attempt to babble less, here's a video that says it all, how respectful some Americans are to others, and to others' medical conditions.

I am not for or against stem-cell research, I have to read more to make up an opinion. I am not for Democrats or Republicans either, for all I care!! Even if I think the Republican Bush is a scam of a president and a politician. I am, strongly, against disrespect for other humans!!

P.S. Pinky&B, you were right...I just couldn't take the rage at the Saddam Hussein sentence.

Pause

I'll take a break. Too much to study,too little time.

See you all by mid January.I'll miss you till then.
Take care.
*kisses*

Now I Can Be Happy Again

This post was written a few days ago, but it's time for it to see the light.I cannot withhold such hallucinations anymore.I've given it the once-over, it's incoherent but makes sense to me.


Do I belong in this world?
Today I got a heavenly answer to that question that's been tormenting the life out of me. I keep getting those clear-cut signals one day after the other, one year after the other.
I don't belong in this day and time. It's like the whole point of growing up is coming to terms with this simple fact. I feel like wrapping up everything I was raised to believe in and flush it down the toilet! From honesty to integrity to decency...all fibs!
What were they thinking when they told me not to lie, or fool around, or fool others?? It's like hypocrite land here!! You say one thing while you are the exact opposite. It's the time-old story. You know how people can start telling lies, insulting your intelligence and taking you for a fool? I pity them for their innocent belief in their fib-telling talent! And then there are those who are very proud of something they have like a million dollars, and go waste it all in a hand of poker!! (That's a distant example but you get the picture)
Why do I care what others are doing? Because it sometimes gets to me. I am no island, I deal with those people day-in day-out. I am usually naive enough to believe them. I don't want to be so anymore, I don't want to be used or abused anymore, and I have every right. But if I do, then I might as well pack my things and go live in the desert, because every human I may -and probably is- double faced. That's harsh, I know, but if it will help me lose my vulnerability, be it.
Meg Ryan once said " Happy, smile.Sad, frown. Use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion."
One last note: my best friend once said that if we let go of our standards, we lose our self-respect. True, Beezo. But seriously, would it kill me?! No,it wouldn't, I'll eventually learn to live with it, and maybe even beat others at their own game ;)


P.S. This post is not about my morals, standards, or others' frame of reference!

Serene

I saw the dawn today. My heart is warm.My mind is serene.

Sunscreen

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.


Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

Thinking Aloud

Blogs
A justified way to waste study time..or so I keep telling myself!
Found an excellent one. Link.

The routine
And it's a damned boring one.Goes something like this: wake up at 11 pm thinking it's too late already, make coffee i.e. nescafe and tasteless skimmed milk, fiddle through books to decide what to study, find something and read a page or 2, watch tv, study some more, lunchtime, nap time, up again, coffee again i.e. nescafe gold blend and whole milk, study, watch Friends, chat online -it's about 11 pm then, I find my friends in the US online- while studying -it's a gift:) , resume studying by 1 am, maximum concentration till 3 or 4 am -sometimes even 5 am, chat some more, and finally struggling to put myslef to sleep. I actually lie on bed forcing my eyes closed, it usually takes 20-30 minutes.

Breaking the routine
An occasional study over at a friend's -usually Cleopatrina. Or birthday outings.
Yesterday, I was invited to eftar at my cousin's, huge guest list, all friends of mine - rule: you know me you know my cousin, you know my cousin, you know me. It was an overall good affair, people were in groups and I got to practise my all-time favourite hobby... socializing!
The topics were: fresh graduate doctors: advice. Brother and fiancee: furnishing and flower arrangements. Agami friends/relatives: nonsense ie cars, kheyam, mosalsalat. Good friends: catching up on news.
I felt much better,refreshed and and repolished my mind, all set to resume the trip of a thousand and one book. And I actually thank God I had to study, do you believe that?! I am very satisfied with the life I am leading, I don't need more time, coz I'll only waste it, turn into an airhead like a big chunk of my society and end up talking silly , or more ambition, coz I'll turn into an A-top-of-the-class-student-always-wished-to-be-'cool-but-by-the-time-she- graduated-it-was-too-late and end up looking silly.

That's a wrap for now..see ya